510 ways to say goodbye

Its my second last night at my beautiful little Prahran cottage.








This was my first home in Melbourne, and, more importantly, my first home that I moved into on my own.
I've loved every minute within these walls.


When I first moved in there was 7 people all up living here, which shocked people to hear, but it was very relaxed and chilled out. Nobody really ever saw each other.
It gave me a lot of down time to adjust to living with strangers, almost on my own. A lot of down time I wasn't giving myself otherwise, but certainly needed.
(Be thankful, little blog, my down time last year created you!)


In the past few months of the festive season our beautiful home took a massive turn and became a bit of a party house! Which I'm not complaining about, I've had the time of my life over the summer, I've always loved being the party house, and being an exact 9 minute walk from all my favorite bars and one of my best friends house didn't hurt either (Although it did hurt my savings, a whole lot..)
My housemates are (almost) all great people. I am the only Aussie, so it means I get to meet people from all over the world as they come and visit their friends. I love meeting new people!





So goodbye 510.
Its been an absolute pleasure, you were a more than perfect first home and I loved you from the moment I walked into your kitchen with your cozy little fireplace blazing.











I suppose I should apologize in advance; My new East Malvern home doesn't yet have internet so I'll be missing again for a while. No doubt I'll have a few things saved up to hurl at you when we are back.
I'm itching to share some new home photos! It's just adorable.


Take care y'all.
Xo

Love can be a curse

I wrote this a while back, into the notes section of my laptop because I had no internet at the time.
I just had to get a whole lot'a thoughts out of my head.


I guess it's a good thing I didn't post it right away...
(As you can probably guess, it's only snippets of what I originally wrote. I edited it so you can really only see what I was thinking without the actual events. Apologies if your the curious type; But while I promised to bare all in my own life to give people a chance to see how and why I am the way I am, I have no right to post personal things about other people, I'll leave that up to the mindless gossip columnists of the world.)





.......A few weeks ago;

I hate this place.

Yesterday I saw death stare me in the face.

She looked at me with love in her eyes, but I’m not convinced she even knew me.

I’ve never felt so lost and helpless in my whole life.

I keep telling myself; Mother Nature won’t give me anything I can’t handle.

But she is like a hard grading teacher, testing me with tough love. She is pushing me to my limits and forcing the strength I know I have inside of me out.

I’m not being conceited. I am one of the strongest people I know of when it comes to situations like this. It’s not the situation itself that frightens me. It’s the fact that I don’t know what to do. Life throws these things upon you without teaching you what to do.

......

Deep inside of your heart, there is a weight that still needs to be lifted,you cover it up but the pain never stops, sometimes I wish that you would just listen. Deep inside of yourself, there is a soul starving for some affection, been waiting for years but the time passes by, all you ever wanted was to fit in.

I know you can fight this. You’re the most beautiful girl in the world and I wanted you to know. Your constantly waiting for life to start and for love to surround it. If you only looked right by your side you'll find that its never had left you. You’ve been through so much and seen so many things through your eyes and I wish that you could just see if it were up to me I would construct a key to your heart and finally set you free.

.......

I am at breaking point. It doesn’t happen often.

I never cry, and when I do it certainly isn't in front of people.

I just cried for the first time in months, and to my grandfather who I hardly ever speak too at that.

Everybody is just so easy to give up, I don’t understand.

People say they love somebody, but when real life and real issues are there in front of them, why does it feel like I am the only one fighting, and not taking no for an answer?

My friends and family will back me up in saying I am one of the best at blocking out the complete hell life throws at us. God knows I could turn a blind eye to the apocalypse if I wanted too, but when somebodies life is on the line, how is it that I seem to be the only one who is willing to walk through hell to help?

Why am I the only one willing to say what will happen?

She’s going to die.

The people around me are making it so easy to give up.

If I give up, and lose her in 6 months, I’ll not only be without her, but I’ll blame myself for not doing everything I could.

I don’t understand how everyone is not on the same page?

When it comes down to real life, humanity is selfish and it disgusts me.

........
Xo

want or need?

I had an interesting conversation with one of the girls at work the other day.

We were on the topic of relationships, or in my case, my past relationship.

We began chatting about the difference between 'needing' a person, and 'wanting' a person. It seemed we had both learned our own versions of lessons about the difference between those two little words and just how importance it is to recognize the difference when your in a relationship.

My story;

Case and I met at high school, so had known each other our entire adult life.

In grade 11, we became friends.

I remember grade 11 so well, it was the first time in my teenage life that I was beginning to be happy with where I was, who I was and who my friends were.

Case and I became friends in our free periods, we used to sit together in the library and draw funny and cute little stick figure cartoons in our notebooks. (We always said if we were still together when we were 30 we would get a little stick figure boy and girl tattooed on us, because it is where it all began, cute huh?)

For about a year I didn't want to be with him, because I didn't want to jeopardize the good place I was in, I was happy just having my girlfriends and being a silly 16 year old.

He was crazy about me the whole time.

He even put up with a silly 6 month relationship I had with another guy of whom I had absolutely nothing in common with!

We finally, to the relief of everyone who had watched us unfold from the start, got together in June of Grade 12, and from then on were absolutely mad on each other.

My Dad passed away in January 2008, 6 months after Case and I had finally begun our relationship.

Things between us were as serious as a relationship between two high school students can be; hanging out between classes, hanging out on weekends, the occasional sleep-over at "Corinne's house". (Sorry, Dad!)

When my Dad passed away it changed everything. Case became my only comfort. My family weren't enough for me. I couldn't sleep unless Case was there beside me. It was a horrid time. He was a big, fat pillow, there to catch me for the millions of times I fell.

I moved into his parents house with him for months because not only could I not bare the thought of sleeping in my home without my Dad, but I couldn't bare the thought of sleeping without my love. I even remember one occasion when he had planned to go on a well deserved break to the Gold Coast with one of his friends, I completely and irrationally broke down because I couldn't bare the thought of one night without him.

I made the mistake of losing my independancy and becoming dependent on somebody else.

Now, what I'm getting at by laying down this scene for you is the fact that this horrible time in my life just so happened to land in the lap of our 6 month old baby relationship. It threw me into the mindset that I needed Case with me, he was my one and only and I, almost literally, could not live without him.

This brings me to the actual point I'm going to make; It's often considered a romantic thing to say; "I need you" right?

Both me, and my friend at work, completely disagree.

Tell me, how is having a 'need' (to the full definition of the word) for another person romantic?

To say you need somebody implies you don't have a choice in the matter.

We all learnt the difference between need and wants when we were young. Our parents taught us the difference by saying "No, Tara. You do not NEED those candy snakes. You will not drop dead if you don't get them. What you NEED is healthy food, water, a roof over your head and some clothes on your back. Everything else is optional."

To say "I want you" would be a much more beautiful and romantic statement.

"I want you" is just like saying "I know I can live without you, but I don't want to"

I guess to me, that would be a much more romantic thing to hear.

My last relationship started off as a want for the other person. But due to one of life's curve balls, it turned into my unhealthy need very early and never quite bounced back.

I know now what was wrong with us, and I think even if I were in the situation again, its one of those mistakes your never going to recognize then and there. It feels like one of those things where you only see it when you look back.

But who knows, I might have learned my lesson.

My friend at work had a completely different experience. She is a lucky girl because hers turned out for the best;

She went overseas for a few months and didn't see her boyfriend for a while.

During the time she felt a feeling of independency and strength. She missed her boyfriend but knew she was okay to live comfortably on her own. (somewhat like me when I went away to South America and the states for nearly 5 months)

It worked out for the best.

She learned that she was a strong and independent girl, capable of going and living an amazing life without her other half.

But she chose not too. When it came down to it, she WANTED to share her life.

Isn't that nice?

Maybe that is the trick to a good relationship?

Run away to a foreign country for a few months and see what life is like without your significant other. Maybe you'll discover your okay without them and really wouldn't be fussed if you never saw them again (a thought that secretly and regretfully crossed my mind many times when I was traveling)

Writing about this gets me excited for my next big relationship (Oh but don't worry, I haven't forgotten my new years resolution, yet) I have learned in the past few months, how comfortable I am with who I am. I am independent and I know that I most certainly don't need anyone else to survive these days.

So I know that my next relationship will be built on want, rather than need.

I know now that I don't 'need' anyone.

And what an empowering feeling it is!

:)

"Tabula Rasa" - The mind as a blank slate

That's what I feel like right now.

Every and all drips of inspiration have left my body and soul.
Its been weeks since I've written anything down in my numerous journals, let alone on here. Oh, and don't even get me started on my empty sketchbooks in which spiders are now taking up residency.







I just can't seem to figure out why?

They only thing that has changed (as I mentioned in my earlier post) is the fact that I have had my little summer fling.
I'm not stupid; to point out the obvious (to the horror of my family who probably reads this too) we have been keeping each other occupied late at night when I would otherwise been writing mindless words and scribbling down late night thoughts and the occasional epiphany.
However we obviously don't spend 24 hours a day together, so why does my mind feel like a big white canvas to an artist with no paint?







But wait a second.

A horrid question is raised.
Isn't a new friend meant to make you feel more inspired than normal?
Why is it I am only ever at my full creative potential when I am on my own?

Surely there is something wrong with that?




I guess I can narrow this feeling of un-creativeness and un-inspiration down to something else;
I feel lately that somebody has, lets just say, mugged my happiness.


I am, (without sounding conceited; it is the honest truth) usually the happiest person you will find. People tell me this on a daily basis. I always find something to smile about and never let the horrid things that happen to me get to me, and goodness knows there's been a few horrid events in my little life.
Hell, I lost a parent and found a bright side.






I can't seem to pin point this strange feeling of unhappiness and dissatisfaction.
In the back of my mind I keep blaming the naughty amount of partying I have done in the past few months.
But we can't just up and blame the festive season for an entire change in attitude now can we?



I hope its just a phase, I have always been the person that people are comfortable to come to if they want to feel happy again, because of my ability to find something good in everything bad life throws at us. I like being that person, I love nothing more than to make people smile with me.


I just want my old attitude back.

making excuses.

Good morning sunshines!!
(I know right, its quite the rarity for me to be writing in sunlit hours, let alone on a Sunday)


But I've got not much better to do with my day today other than snuggle in my warm bed and grovel for your forgiveness for being such a naughty little blogger this past month.


Truth is (and when I started this blog I promised to bare all, so here goes..) I've been caught up in a little late summer fling. In fact, the only reason I'm here now is because he is sleeping soundly (and rather adorably!) next to me, with our legs sticking out of the sheets in a messy knot of limbs.


Lucky me I say.






I love you all, I'll be back soon.
Xo