Just in case the world ends; My last 351 days.

17/12/12

As the end of 2012 tiptoes closer and closer (as well as the end of humanity if you so believe) it has me thinking about how the last 351 days have played out.
(Wow, it doesn’t really hit how short a year is until I see it in days. It’s incredible just how much can change over and over again 351 days)

I like thinking about what has happened to me. I like reflecting; thinking about what happened, why it happened, what I learned, whether or not I changed because of the lesson, what I achieved and where I went terribly, terribly wrong.

I like trying to figure out why things happened and what I was supposed to take away from such events or people. Call me cliché, but I honestly think everything happens for a reason. That is to say, I think every single person that walks through your life is there for you to take something out of or your there for them. Think about how many people there are that have made a difference in your life. I know in mine, no matter how small, there’s hundreds! And some of those people I might not even be friends with, they are just people that have said or done something to make me think. 
Now think about all those people who you think might not have affected you at all; you are probably one of the ones who have made them think.
 
Whether or not everyone agrees with that little theory, it can’t be denied that it’s a nice thought; we all matter to someone.

I learned a lot of lessons this year that’s for sure! 
2012, its safe to say you kicked my ass!

One was that my sisters and brother are my number ones. I obviously knew this already, but 2012 bought us closer than we’ve been for 11 years.

I spent the better half of the year living with my little sister, Holly, who joined me in Melbourne immediately after her 18^th birthday in February. We hadn’t lived with each other since I left my mothers home at 11 years old, so we were making up for lost time. We became so close, and she has now gone from the little sister I loved but saw only once every two years, to my best friend. Our personalities are so different, but I can always count on her. I’ve also become closer to my brother Jye and my littlest sister, Georgia, mostly thanks to Holly. 

One of the not-so-nice realizations this year was just how alone I am in terms of family. Sure, mines big. But as far as immediate family go, I'm flying solo.

Except for Jye, Hol and George.  <3

Another lesson was learned the hard way.

I made the mistake of tricking myself into thinking that I had fallen for someone that I hadn’t, just because we were spending so much time together, and 6 months later it blew up in my face when it turned out he had a girlfriend the entire time.
I shouldn’t have let it go on that long when I knew from the start it would be a waste of time.

I learnt that when it comes to first impressions, I'm fairly spot on. 

But when it comes to remembering first impressions, I lose out, every time.
Oh yes, lesson well and truly learned.

There was so many more, and they just keep on coming...
 

I was on the phone to my aunt a few hours ago, and she told me that I would be mad not to come back from our Bali trip not a little shaken, and its normal for my state of mind to be a little off.

I certainly haven't been myself lately.

Since coming back, Melbourne life has gone from bad, to worst. I am writing this from one of my good friends lounge rooms, where I am sleeping at the moment. I have been homeless for nearly three weeks now. And close to jobless for nearly 2 months.
Being in a bad state of mind is what, at the end of the day, caused me to get fired. (I’m not an idiot, obviously excessive drinking is what really did it, but that what solicited out of character behavior was me acting out to something I didn’t even know was happening in my head at the time)

I almost lost it in uni; thank god I (semi) pulled it together by the time the semester ended, but I was so fucking close to fucking everything up. I lost my focus, I couldn’t think straight when trying to study. The only thing that got me through is the fact that I gave up everything I had to study what I am and I want, so badly, to get where I want to go. I somehow pulled it together and got through, in no way as well as I would have, had I been myself, but got through nonetheless.

My state of mind is still out of sorts. So much that I’ve decided to go home to Byron Bay for the summer.

One of my best friends is convinced I am running away, which might be true. But I can’t see myself fixing the mess I’ve created by not being able to deal with very real feelings. 

I think its time to be proactive and take myself out of Melbourne and go home to give my mind, body and soul a break – those three things are worth more than anything I am leaving behind in Melbourne.
 

When I return in 2013, at least I’ll be back to my old self; strong, happy and free; Tara as she should be.